Times have changed. People have children with people they are not married to or married people, have children and don't stay married. There are people who have children with 2 or 3 different people. People without children enter into relationships with people who have children. There are so many parenting dynamics it's hard to keep up. The picture of a family is no longer Mom, Dad and 2.5 children. There's mom, grandma, uncles, or dad, grandma and grandpa, or mom and husband (step father), dad and girlfriend, etc. People in different roles are raising children today and sometimes the biological parents are involved and sometime they aren't.
In parenting, the first thought should be the child and what is best for that child. As a parent we have to put our own thoughts and feelings aside to make sure our children are safe, happy and stable. Are they loved, receiving the best education, socially, mentally and physically healthy? These are questions we have to answer with a "yes." If we cannot answer with a "yes," then we need to find out how we can get as close to "yes" as possible. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or perfect family; we all work with what we know at this moment. We use our current knowledge and knowledge we gain from other sources. We work with our past experiences with our own parents, whether we want to be just like them, be completely opposite or take some things and leave the rest. We look at our friends, family and other people in our lives as guides.
Team parenting is when parents and other vested parties are involved in the parenting of the child. I will start with specifically the biological parents and the significant others of the parents. So the dad has a girlfriend/fiance/wife and/or the mother has a boyfriend/fiance/husband. These situations can be sensitive and complicated. The first thing that needs to be addressed is the feelings the mother and father have for one another. If they still have feelings for each other, it is not very smart to bring outsiders into the situation and you don't want to confuse the children. What you will learn is that ALL children fantasize about their parents being together and everybody being one big happy family, but what children do not understand is that when mommy and daddy get together, things are nothing but happy. A child is better off with parents who are happy and separated than with parents who stay together and are unhappy. Many people stay together "for the sake of the children." This is an unhealthy situation for a child to grow up in. Be honest with each other. If the two of you cannot get along, hate each other, constantly sarcastic and degrading to one another, do your child a favor and either get counseling to try to figure out what the issues are, address them in a healthy way and make it work OR separate. Staying together in an unhealthy relationship teaches your child to do the same. Would you want your child to grow up and be in an unhappy relationship? No, so why is that the lesson you are teaching them?
Next, dating and relationships when you have children are complicated. You do not want to involve someone in your child's life until you know that this relationship is significant and has the possibility to be permanent. Children get attached to people fairly easily and they need consistency. Parading different people in and out of your child's life is unhealthy for them. Choosing the right partner is also important. Your partner has to actually like children first of all. If they turn their nose up at your child or do not want to hear stories about them or have no interest in your child, keep it moving. This person will not be good for your child. Your child should not have to compete with this person for your attention. When you start bringing this person around your child, there has to be a sense of welcoming and integration, enjoying activities together. If your child is scared of the person, that is a sign. Please do not let your fear of being alone affect your judgement about who you have in your life and around your child. You will find the right person who will love you and your child. If they love you, they will love your child because they love you then that love will grow and separate so that they love the child independent of their love for you.
With the other parent and a new significant other, it will take time for the other parent to get used to and you have to respect each others feelings. You were in an intimate relationship at one time, maybe in love with each other. There will still be some feelings that the other parent will need to work through. Ideally we all want to be with the person we have children with but it does not always work out that way. So we have to accept the situation and work through whatever feelings we have about moving forward. The relationship with the significant other and the other parent needs to be cordial for the sake of the child. The parent who is in the relationship is responsible for setting the stage for mutual respect. The introduction should be made and maybe a discussion needs to happen with the other parent explaining how serious the relationship is, how there should be nothing but respectful conversation and every one's expectations for the treatment of the children should be made known. What does not need to be present is childish behavior, name calling, or talking bad about the other parent to the children. Sometimes there were bad things that happened in the past and you can't stand for the other person to be happy; you may be justified in your feelings of hurt and pain, but reacting negatively will not alleviate your pain and only ends up hurting the child. No matter what role we play in this situation, we must be grown ups. We must set an example for the child. The child has to feel comfortable and loved by all parties. We have to leave our animosity, ill feelings, past hurts, and unanswered questions to the therapist. We have to come together to support the child. We can attend sports events, plays, recitals, and graduations without the tense atmosphere. Accept the situation for what it is and move forward.
As a significant other, be understanding of the situation, be flexible and loving.
For the other parent, there is no need to "mark your territory" by not adhering to the parenting schedule or engaging in actions in hopes of letting the world know that you are THE MOTHER or THE FATHER. Your child knows and that's all that matters. You just focus on being the best parent to your child regardless of who's watching.
For the parent with the significant other, respect the other parent, do not think you have to say negative things about the other parent or make excuses for where he/she is lacking. You be the best parent you can be to your children.
It is not fair to make the child feel that this is a competition and they have to choose. Sometimes they feel that they need one parent over the other for different reasons. In contrast you don't want to create an environment where the child can play each person against the other. If communication is clear, the child will not be able to get over on anyone. Children know when things are not right. They are paying attention even when you think they are not. They are listening when you think they are sleeping. Communicate with the other parent. Make expectations clear and compromise when necessary.
When we work together as a team, everybody benefits. Children benefit from having as many positive role models in their life. We all have valuable knowledge and skills that we can share with our children, the more they are exposed to the more well rounded they will be. When the child's well being is our goal, it's easier to work together = Team Parenting.
