As a two year old my son didn't talk much, he was too busy getting into everything. By age 3 almost 4 years old, you could not shut him up. I used to call him "question boy" because he asked so many questions, one after the other after the other. His curiosity had no end. You never knew what he was going to ask. I was happy to answer his questions...if I could. So when he started pre-school, everyday I'd pick him up and ask "how was your day?" He would tell me about what his friends did, what he learned, what his teacher said, what he ate for lunch and snack, and what games he played. After a while, after I asked about his day, he began to ask me, "mommy how was your day?" He would ask me about traffic, because he heard me talk about traffic and how it frustrated me so many times before. He listened! As he got older our conversations after school were something that was regular.
Then we get to the teen years. Apparently adolescents in the years of one-word-answers. I would ask "how was your day?" He would say "fine" or "okay." I realized that teenagers have the same policy as the military: Don't Ask, Don't Tell. So I had to start probing. I had follow up questions for the one-word-answer. How were your classes? Did you have any tests or quizzes? Any coming up? Do you have homework? Did you turn in your homework? (I could look this up online, but I'd rather hear it from him) How was lunch? Who did you sit with? How are things going with your friends? I would ask questions until the question-answer session became a free flowing conversation.
Now in high school I developed the "Circle of Trust" taking the after school chat one step further. The purpose is to teach him to express himself freely and openly; to learn to not hold things in. As a public health professional I can't help but think of the health implications of holding in your feelings. My son is growing up to be an African American male who are at risk for heart disease, strokes due to eating, exercising and stress habits. So my son gets exercise, eats well, but he tends to hold some things in and I do not want this to be a habit.
The rules are: during the time frame you choose (an hour maybe), say what you truly feel and think; nothing said in the circle can be used against you. This can be done with all children or if you feel some children need privacy or alone time with you then it could be just you and that child. You know your children and will know what is best for them.
You begin with reminding them of the rules then asking a few questions:
What are some things you are concerned about?
What are some of your worries or fears?
What are some things that you are excited about or make you happy?
Are there things you wish you could change? Or you wish would change? Why?
Are there things you think I (the parent) don't understand about you?
If their have been changes (new marriage, new home, new school, new baby) have happened this is a good time to process the change with your child.
It maybe awkward at first because these questions probe their innermost thoughts. You as the parent maybe afraid of the answers, you may not like the answers, but as your child answers the questions, process with them. Try to find out why they have the feelings they do. The more in tuned you are to your child the better parent you will be. You can also set the tone for the conversation by answering some of the questions yourself. That will build a trust within the conversation, nobody wants to share their feelings with someone who is not willing to share theirs. For example I would answer the first question with:
My concern is for your safety. Every morning I pray that God protects you and keeps you throughout the day. (Awareness) I also pray that He gives you wisdom to make good decisions and choices. (Accountability)
As the parent you will have to be open and honest and open and NON-JUDGEMENTAL. If they mention something about their other parent, you have to put your personal feelings aside and realize this is their parent and this is how they feel and you have to validate their feelings. If not, they will not communicate with you or they will give you limited communication because of your reaction.
There are other options for children to get out their feelings like writing in a journal, but with facebook and texting, the more personal interaction the better. Actually talking about things you are able to provide feedback and help them process their feelings and your feelings too. You may learn a lot about yourself in the process. Our children are our mirror. They show us ourselves. Sometimes we don't want to see some things but that doesn't make it disappear. So if you need to prepare yourself ahead of time, do that. Just know that building an open communication dialogue with your child will make for a great relationship as well as prevent issues that come up in a teenagers life you wouldn't otherwise know. Your child will also care about how you are doing and feeling because you've shown them how. We are the first teachers.
