The New Blended Family
The blended family was first viewed on television with The Brady Bunch. Back then the man and the woman were married, then divorced then remarried. Each had three children so together they had six children. They had to resolve the natural conflicts of a blended family. Today the blended family can look a little different. There is a mother and a father; they may not have ever married. Either or both of them decide to get married to another person. There may be children that come from that relationship. Now you have a mother, a father, their children with each other, and then their children with their spouse or other people. What the Brady Bunch did not show was the interaction with the outside parent. When people think about blended families they think about how to make it work within the confines of their home. We have to think in a wider range to include the biological parents sometimes otherwise known as the “baby mom” or the “baby dad”(terms I despise for various reasons) and their other children who are related to your child(ren) and who are involved in the parenting process.
In my situation, I raised my son alone with the support of my family. His father is present but not active in his life. In the beginning that made me angry. He wanted a relationship with me and we would be one happy family, but that relationship was not a healthy one so that would not have ever happened and staying together for the sake of looking like a family seemed disadvantageous. It seemed that he could not be an active parent unless I stayed single. When I didn’t have a boyfriend, he was involved, but when I had a boyfriend he stayed away. So this made for a distant relationship between him and our son. My son plays sports so his father comes to a few sporting events and he sees him on holidays and birthdays. Sometimes he sees him on other days but nothing consistent. Now that I’m married his interaction is almost nonexistent. He now also has two young children with another woman. My son loves his younger brother and sister and would like to see them more often but his father’s estranged relationship with the mother does not allow it. When they were first born, my son was able to see them more often but now that his father and she are not in a relationship he does not see them as much.
My husband has two children with a woman who is involved. They were in a relationship, engaged but never married. Due to their own reasons, the relationship ended. I was not introduced to the mother of his children until after we were engaged. She knew about me, that he had a girlfriend and she was not too happy about me being around the children. She even threatened that he would not be able to see the children until she met me. The children love their dad very much; he does everything from taking them to and from school to taking them to all sports practices and games to taking them to doctor’s appointments. He is more involved in his kids’ lives than some fathers who actually live in the home with their children. He and the mother argue quite a bit, there seems to be a competition for who buys the best gifts and who has the most fun stuff when it’s their turn to have the kids: frequent trips to Chuck E. Cheese and Dave & Busters & amusement parks, fast food for breakfast and dinner, etc. Needless to say a lot of money was being spent and the children started to expect “something fun” every time they came over. Not to say this is bad, but there was no balance. The parents were so caught up in trying to trump each other, the kids were not receiving the discipline and structure that all children need. This is something my husband and I discussed when we got serious. He began to realize this was not healthy for the children. They needed structure and boundaries; it can’t always be Disney land when they go to daddy’s house. This was an adjustment for the children and they resisted at first but have since been happy with how things are now. Not so much chaos, they know what to expect. “Fun Stuff” still happens just not every day and when their behavior warrants such an event.
The ideal situation would be that everyone knew their role and everyone got along, but we do not live in an ideal world. We have people who were once in an intimate relationship that are no longer in the relationship, now in other relationships and everyone is connected by children. Ideally the people who were once in relationships get along and can have positive relationships with the new partners. Because the relationships may have ended on a sour note or the some people may be resentful of the other who decided to move on with their life, things can be difficult. We hear stories about celebrities like Will and Jada and Ashton and Demi who have forged these co-parenting relationships with their previous significant others either living across the street or in the same mansion with them. That is not my reality and I’m sure it is not yours. We have to do the best we can to make the situation a positive one and if we focus more on the health and happiness of the children we should be successful. We have to let go of the past hurts and negative thoughts about the other person no matter our role. Our kids are blessed to have so many people who want to be in their lives. We just have to know our role and not let personal feelings get in the way of our parenting.
As a stepmother I was first unsure of my role. For my husband it was easier, I think. He was able to continue doing what he does with his kids, with my son because my son’s father is not that active. For me it’s different. Custody is shared, they are with their mom sometimes then they are with us sometimes. I feel that she might be threatened that I want to take her place when that is not the case for me at all. I feel like my role is more complimentary to what they already do. Nobody has to disappear for me to be involved. I can still love them and spend time with them. However I am aware that she feels there are things that only she can do with them and if I were to do them I would be overstepping my bounds. I have not figured out all of those things yet because I tend to put myself in others’ shoes and things that I wouldn’t have a problem with, other people do. This is a work in progress and hopefully one day she will feel comfortable with me being around and not feel like I am her competition but more of a complement, meaning I fill in where there is a need and add to the love that already exists.
What are your thoughts?
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